Thanksgiving HNT!

Happy Thanksgiving to all my U.S. readers. To all my other readers, I’m sorry you don’t have the day off to eat and drink with abandon. Y’all get lots of “Bank Holidays” that we don’t get so I’m not too sorry.

Thanksgiving begins the holiday season in earnest. For me, it means no trips anywhere near the mall until February. Unfortunately, I do have to go to WalMart. Pray for me.

Since the past 10 months have been 9/10th shitty, I’ve been trying not to dwell on them but I wanted to say what I am thankful for. One of the things I’m very thankful for is shoes. I love shoes – all kinds. My favorites are unique, fuck-me-shoes that I really can’t wear and/or walk in but that I can put on and feel totally slutty, sexy and beautiful. Thinking about shoes led to me thinking about my “thankful list”. Now, I’m thankful for health, family (eh, kinda on that one), and all the usual crap but I’m thankful for some other interesting things and here they are:

• That there are discount stores in my area that I can buy really cheap fuck-me-shoes and not feel guilty for not wearing them. I can also buy some designer/weird purses there, another thing I’m thankful for … purses!
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• Squirrels. I’m thankful that my yard is full of squirrels that I can watch. They make me laugh, which I’m very thankful for. (Don’t tell me they are yard rats. I don’t fucking care! They’re cute and funny so shut up!)
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• Cardinals. For some reason that beautiful red bird has made my yard a cardinal heaven. I love them. They were my father’s favorite bird so I get to seem them and think about him.
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• I’m thankful for whoever invented Etsy. It gives me an outlet for my oddball creations. I also get a wee bit orgasmic every time I have a sale.
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• Chocolate. I don’t think I need to say anything else about chocolate.
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• Anti-depressants. Without better living through chemistry, I’d take up permanent residence in the abyss and not just be a long-term visitor.
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• As much as I hate working, I’m very thankful I have my job. I have a good boss and semi-pleasant working conditions.
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• I’m very, very, very thankful that my daughter is 3+ years cancer free.
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• Tequila Rose. This is absolutely delicious creamy tequila liquor. The strawberry is divine but the chocolate is decadent. Try it. Seriously, you’ll love it!
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• Art, Vincent, Ron, Mulder, vibrators and Babeland.
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• Thankfully, I can find humor in even the most miserable situations like getting an early Christmas card from my bankruptcy attorney wishing me a “Happy and Successful” New Year.
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• My ability to want to change and move down unknown, exciting paths. To keep childlike curiosity and wonder in my heart and mind.
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• The internet. I’m extremely thankful to Bill Gates and Al Gore for inventing PC’s and the internet. Without them, I never would have met YOU, my friend. I’m most thankful for my friends, everyone who reads and comments and all those lurkers. You are what give me hope, inspiration, happiness, thoughtful discussions and the will to go on.

To thank all my lovely friends, here’s a picture of my current favorite fuck-me- pumps!

Go visit OS to see who else is thankful.

(Touch the shoes with your mouse, you know you want to!)

Yeah, I know ...

 We have Muscovy ducks in Florida.  They are not pretty ducks like Mallard.  They’re ugly and dirty.  Neanderthal ducks, they eat, shit and mate.  That’s it.  The male duck will pin the head of the female duck down while they mate.  Since this happens all the time and the ducks have no sense of decency, this is something that is seen almost daily.

Many years ago, I was driving my daughter to school.  It was a rainy day so lots of puddles were around.  Off on the side of the road, I noticed a pair of ducks mating.  The male had the female’s head pinned down in a large puddle.  He was oblivious to the fact that she was drowning.  He just banged away.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t break the pair up to save the female as they were on the opposite side of the road.  After I dropped my daughter off at school and was going back, I passed the body of the female lying in the puddle, dead.  The male had gone off to eat and shit, I guess. 

The image has stayed with me all these years and it’s often I think of it as a metaphor for life.  Life will pull you under until you feel you’re suffocating, fuck you over and just when you think something great will happen, you die. 

Yeah, I know.  I need help. 

However, being an optimistic pessimist, I was watching a herd of squirrels at my house yesterday.  The babies were out with the adults and all hell was breaking loose.  They were playing, fighting, eating, pooping and fucking like rabbits.  All the while, they were chattering and just seemed to be having the time of their lives.  They made me smile.

Just like I’d rather be the hammer than the nail, I’d rather live life like a squirrel than a Muscovy duck.  I’m fighting the rising tide, dear readers.  I’m fighting.

Cougar Fantasy

I didn't know how to say good-bye. Nor did I want to. Since the first moment he walked through my door, my heart beat faster and butterflies took up residence in my stomach. It was electric.

He was flat out beautiful. Tall, with curly sun-streaked hair. His soulful green eyes were flecked with gold and danced when he smiled, his white teeth gleaming through those luscious lips. His body, his body was made by the Gods. His bronze skin gleamed on his rock hard pecs. His narrow waist and washboard stomach with its delightful love trail made me dizzy. His shoulders were broad and his ass tight, but his arms truly got me -- beautifully defined, supple and strong. These were arms I wanted around me, arms I wanted to stroke while we talked and arms I wanted to grip with overwhelming passion when we made love.
This man/boy was just exquisite -- and he was my son’s friend, half my age.

This lost boy, who became friends with my son at work, came to live in my home six months prior. He was lonely. He had been away from his home and family for five years. His plan was to save money to return home and open a restaurant. So with an open heart, I welcomed this angel into my home, to care for him and be a “foster” mother. But all I really wanted was to be his lover.

For six months I looked at him with longing. I fed him, took care of him and listened when he needed to talk. I drank in every magnificent detail with all my senses: His expressions, his soft deep voice, his smell and occasionally a touch on his arm or face. I was consumed with desire.
And now he was leaving. My heart was breaking.

He was flying home Sunday. So on this Saturday I was forlorn. I started to clean to keep my mind off his departure. I could hear him in his room taking care of last minute chores. I then became engrossed in my tasks and did not hear him approach me. I was startled when I turned and saw him so we both gave a jump and nervous chuckle. As he reached out for me he said, “I'm going to miss you.” I put my arms around him to hug him. I couldn't speak for fear of crying. His voice once again, but in a whisper, said “I will miss you.” His warm breath on my neck raised gooseflesh on my arms. But it was when his lips touched my throat that I went limp and melted into his embrace. His beautiful hands began to caress my back. I became weak. He raised his head to look at me, his eyes smoldered with passion. As I tried to speak, he brought his lips down on mine. His tongue entered my mouth. It tasted of wintergreen. As his tongue probed mine with longing I lost all reason and responded with every fiber of my being. When his hand touched my breast, I moaned with delight. He pressed against me, his cock straining to be released from his jeans.

My head said “this is wrong.” But as he led me to his bedroom, my heart overruled. He was ready to fuck. I wanted to make love, to have this one time last forever. He kissed me again, his lips and tongue demanding. I unbuttoned his shirt and pushed it off. His body, tanned and firm took my breath away. I ran my hands over his chest, his back and then his waist. Undoing the button and zipper in one swift move I let his jeans fall to the floor. He gasped as I slid his briefs down his legs. He was so beautiful he made me tremble. His cock was magnificent -- huge, hard and ready for me. I gently pushed him down on the bed. I kissed his chest, sucked and nibbled at his erect nipples. Tenderly, I moved down his stomach and took his penis in my mouth. It was silken steel, filling my mouth with his warmth. Delicately I used my tongue around the shaft and head. His moans let me know he was enjoying the moment as much as I was. When his trembling increased, I knew he was near orgasm. Suddenly he exploded, coming with a vengeance. He sighed gutturally. I licked him clean then began to kiss his thighs, balls and stomach with light kisses. His beauty made me weak. As I moved up his body with kisses and bites, he bent forward once again to kiss my lips. I felt him quaking with passion. To know that this man craved me, desired me, was so intoxicating that I was on the verge of orgasm.

His tongue was probing, his hands explored. He tenderly held my breast and brought his lips down on my erect nipple. His gentle sucking and licking made me wet. My hand went to his cock, once again rigid and ready. To prolong the event, I released him and guided his hand down between my legs. He started to speak and I hushed him with a kiss while I placed his finger on my clit. Holding his hand, I began to grind against it. Mutely guiding him to bring me over the edge. He was a fast learner and began to apply delicious pressure. We moved in unison until unable to hold back, my orgasm came in waves while he plunged his finger deep inside me. Unable to contain myself I rolled over to straddle his body and lowered myself over his waiting shaft until every magnificent inch was in me. Slowly I rose up and his hips rose to meet me. It was as if we were moving in slow motion so we could savor ever second. The act was so luxurious and when he came we both let out soft screams. It was heaven.

We lay entwined in his small bed. I drank in his smell. He smelled of pears and sandalwood for some reason. To me it was better than the world’s most expensive perfume. He lay as if sleeping and I wanted to memorize every feature of his face, every inch of his body. I gazed at him for the longest time. I kept wondering what he saw in me, a woman old enough to be his mother. I realized it was time to wake from this dream, this desire and return to reality. Ever so quietly, I got out of bed so as not to disturb him. I looked at his beautiful naked body one last time. As I bent to retrieve my clothes, his had gripped my arm. “My way.” He said. He spun me around pulling me roughly to his chest. He kissed me hard, his tongue parting my lips and probing frantically in my mouth. He plastered his body against mine. Playfully he nipped at my neck and breasts. As I arched my back, his hand dove down between my legs and his finger rubbed my tender clit until I again felt climax coming.

He pulled his hand away before I could reach completion. I cried out in protest. Again, his mouth found mine, his tongue silencing me. He pushed me down to the floor and rammed into me with such passion that I could not help but to scream out in desire and surprise. With each thrust I felt as if he were trying to imprint my heart, my soul and my body with his own personal tattoo so I would always have part of him with me. I rose to meet him each time gripping him tightly so he could not escape. After what seemed like an eternity, he joined me in a climax that was so explosive it brought a growl from him that came from the bottom of his being.

We lay exhausted afterward. Our breathing was in unison as were our heartbeats. I looked at him for what seemed like a lifetime then gave him a final embrace and kiss and left him.
The next morning, still able to feel the touch of his hands on my body, still able to taste his lips and tongue and still able to feel his cock deep within me, I kissed him good-bye. He ever so gently touched my face. His eyes were riveted to mine as he mouthed “I love you.” But so many things were left unsaid. As the taxi drove away, and I stood watching until it was out of sight, I noticed the breeze that was blowing smelled like pears and sandalwood.

~~~~~~~~~
This was my first attempt at writing erotica, or "smut" as we called it on my old Nickelback board.

REMEMBER TO LEAVE A COMMENT FOR MY GIVE-A-WAY, PLEASE!!!

Chicago! And Give-A-Way

Taking a trip to Chicago was a nice break for me. Hell is full and Florida must be in the running to house the overflow because it’s been so freakin’ hot here, the birds are flying back north for the winter! When I found out it was 41 degrees in The Windy City (5 Celsius) I was so excited. I was gonna be cold and see some real trees with fall leaves!!! We have trees in Florida but they aren’t “real” trees, they’re palm trees, some mutant pines called – Australian Pines (which I never saw in Australia, by the way) and some wretched excuses for oak trees. Pathetic foliage in The Sunshine State, if you ask me. Kudzu and Florida Holly (HA!) seem to grow with abandon as does the fabulous St. Augustine grass or as everyone else knows it, CRAB GRASS!

Oh, shit! I’ve lost the thread, haven’t I? Back to my trip to Chicago. It was blissfully cool, not quite cold, but cool. I could shower and walk from the bath to the bedroom without sweating like a Sumo wrestler. I got to wear jeans with boots and an actual sweater as Ron escorted me around the city and I was actually comfortable!

The city of Chicago reminds me of New York City but ratcheted down a couple levels. Not as crazy as NYC but close. I spend some time people watching on the corner of State Street and Randolph while Ron was taking care of some business. (He didn’t just leave me on the corner; I chose to be outside near Borders and a lovely teashop.) I was amused by the brazenness of the city pigeons and bike messengers. Both seem to have death wishes. Although, I pondered the possibility of breeding a pigeon to a bike messenger and coming up with the fastest, most insane (and ugly!) creature on earth.

The Chicago theatre district was cool. My tour guide(s) were excellent at pointing out landmarks and things of interest. I ate a bagel in the Thompson Center where scenes from the movie “Running Scared” were filmed. (Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines – hysterically funny!) The Navy Pier, of course is a “must see” but as I was told, it’s much busier and more exciting during the summer. I can understand that. Inside was a fantastic stained glass exhibit and outside on the lake, there was a very cool ship sailing by as you can see. From the Pier, you can look across Lake Michigan to Gary, Indiana. WOW! The weather was beautiful for the most part. I got to see plenty of trees getting dressed in their autumn finery during our walk near Northwestern University. My, my, some of those college guys looked good enough to eat with a spoon. Yummy!

Not only did I see Ron on this trip but I got to see an old friend from the Nickelback message boards that I’d seen a couple years ago. Wild and her daughter, Wilder came to have lunch and chat. Wild is younger than me and DAMN! Is she GORGEOUS! She looks even better than when we met in Florida. She is a good, funny, friend who happens to be an incredible writer. Her poems, to me, are legendary. Ages ago, she wrote a poem that was so damn erotic, I was embarrassed when I was all squirmy and aroused at the end finding out she was writing about a fucking DONUT! Neither of us saved the poem and I’ll be eternally pissed off about that. Oops! I’m off in the weeds again, sorry. Srsly, she is a great writer, I just wish she’d do it more often.

Wild, Wilder and I had a nice lunch and chat. Wilder is a teenager so she texted most of the time but is a really nice and very funny kid. It was really wonderful to see Wild again. I’m going to say it again; Nickelback fans are the absolute best people – EVER!

All in all, I had an absolutely wonderful trip. I couldn’t have asked for better people to see Chicago with and to have a needed holiday with. It was relaxing, exciting, fun and peaceful – at the same time. I’m glad I went.

Thank you, Ron and Wild. Love you both!  MmmmmmWAH!

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My “Better Late Than Never” Breast Cancer Awareness Give-a-way!

I’m going to run this until December 1, 2009. I’m posting it here (Shhh! My blog is secret) on Facebook and on Twisted Pleasures.

Leave a comment. That’s all you have to do. One comment, one entry. If you want to get three (3) additional entries, donate $5.00 to my daughter’s team for the South Florida Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure to be held January 30, 2010.

I’ll put all the comments from all three locations into a random draw at Random.org and let the winner know by an announcement on each location.

Here’s what you get:

A “placemat” purse made by ME! This is a Ralph Lauren placemat made into a purse. It’s lined in a soft green with two slip pockets inside. Oxidized silver handles with a rose quartz breast cancer ribbon charm as the closure. The purse is approximately 13” x 7.5” x 4”. Handle drop is approximately 14.25”.  Recycle in style, baby!

Four handmade glycerin Victorian rose heart soapies. They each measure 2 x 2 x 1/2 approximately. These soaps are made of pure vegetable glycerin soap and enriched with Aloe and Vitamin E. The scents and colorants I use are skin safe as well. Lavender scent. From Agony’s Decay at Etsy.

A 6 oz 100% SOY, TRIPLE SCENTED, LEAD FREE WICK Pink Sugar scent candle in a blue tin from Redneck Candles at Etsy.

A sample of 96% Organic Lavender Oil-Free Hydrating Serum from Spa Goddess at Etsy.

Organic Lavender & Aloe soothe & aid the regeneration of skin cells.
Use this ultra-healing Lavender serum as a soothing, lightly moisturizing, clarifying facial treatment.
Scent is richly Lavender with a subtle hint of apricot.
Lavender & Aloe soothe Rosacea and help heal & prevent blemishes. Clarifies pores for a cleaner, more refined appearance.
Apply a thin layer of Lavender Oil-Free Hydrating Serum after cleansing & toning. Use a facial spritz such as Angel Face Botanicals Lavender Mist to achieve an even application and follow with moisturizer. This serum will enhance your moisturizers therapeutic, emollient properties. For oilier skin try using the serum in place of moisturizer, or mixing it with a little bit of moisturizer.

A glass tube of Black Cherry scented incense with holder, Sephora “Precious Pink” lip gloss, Breast Cancer Awareness Rubber Duckie, a cool key fob (also made by ME!), a stuffed Breast Cancer Awareness teddy bear, a Mega-Mite waterproof vibrator, Dust Me Pink, edible body powder with feather duster in Barely Berry, a “surprise” goody bag and a ceramic “Thanks A Bunch” plaque.

Okay, get commenting (and donating, if you can and/or want to!)  THANKS!

Book Review HNT

I love to read and read all the time.  I'll read most anything but especially horror, mystery, fantasy and real crime.  I'll always finish a book once started, with the exception of "The Ruins" by Scott Smith.  That was a miserable bastard of a book and would depress a Disney employee in a New York minute.  I hated that book so much, I did the unthinkable - I threw it away.  No one should read that book.  And don't see the damn movie.

When I get a book that I LOVE, I want everyone in the world to read it.  "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" is one of those books.  It's the Jane Austen book with ZOMBIES!  How fucking awesome is that!?!  You HAVE to read this book and then you have to read "Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters!"  The people behind these books (and more to come - "A Farewell to Arms and Legs"?) Quirk Classics are just balls out brilliant.

As an added incentive to check out "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" *click* on the big book cover. 

Go visit OS to see who else is showing off!

   By the way, I haven't forgotten about my Breast Cancer Awareness Give-A-Way but I was set back by my Chicago trip.  It'll be up on Sunday!

TMI Tuesday

1a. You just gave yourself a body-shaking orgasm. How long do you have to wait before you can give yourself another body-shaking orgasm?

Probably a day or two. I figure why be greedy. I can revel in the afterglow for a while and be all giddy. It’s a nice feeling to carry around for a bit.

1b. You just gave yourself a body-shaking orgasm. What is the longest you can wait until you absolutely have to do it again?

Well, of course, I’d like to do it again immediately but see my prior answer.

2a. If you are good in this life, what will you come back as in your next life ... if you come back as an animate being?

I will come back as the smartest, richest, most beautiful man in the world. I want to know what it’s like to have a penis. In addition, I want to be a vampire.

2b. ..... if you come back as an inanimate being?

A tree. A beautiful, healthy, huge oak tree in a northern forest.  I mean, seriously - I don't want to come back as a teapot or condom or even a vibrator.  A tree really isn't "inanimate" but tough!

(See who else is giving TMI this Tuesday!)

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Halloween HNT!

In case you haven't guessed, Halloween is my FAVORITE time of year. I had to do a special edition HNT for it and even have a picture left over for a post-Halloween HNT.

Enjoy!

FROM GHOULIES AND GHOSTIES

AND WEE CREEPY BEASTIES,

AND THINGS THAT GO BUMP

IN THE NIGHT,

DARLING TIM BURTON,

PLEASE DELIVER THEM TO US!

(My apologies to the old Scot that wrote this poem!)

*click*

Go visit OSBASSO for some "candy!"

Randomness

While I'm composing my Chicago post and handling some RL shit, I thought I'd post a little randomness to entertain y'all while I'm dealing.  Enjoy!

What kind of job do you think she has?                         Ouch!

            

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE


IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:




1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.


2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.


3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.


4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?


5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.


6.. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.


7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?


8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?


9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?


10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?


11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"


12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?


13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?


14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?


15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?


16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?


17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?


18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO
REMAIN SILENT?


19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?


20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?


21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?


22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?


24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?


25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?


26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?


27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?


28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, A ND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?


29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?


30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?


31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?


32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?


33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY
BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?


Now you know you're gonna really think about a couple of those, arent' you?